Guest Post: Ava

The holidays are a joyous time, but for many it can also be painful. Having personally suffered the loss of a parent, wonderful memories return but also the bittersweet reminder that it's all we have left. Today, my brave and strong friend Sheila writes about her beautiful angel daughter, Ava.

For any sadness in your life, any time of the year, take refuge in sharing your feelings with one another. Be it your spouse, a close friend or even a stranger with a similar experience. Talking about it can be immensely healing and personally I have processed my grief differently by talking about it. If you have a friend whom you know what suffered a loss at any time, gently talk to her about it and remind her that you remember. That may be the most comforting thing you do for her.
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Her name is Ava, simple and fleeting on the tongue.  In French, it means “bird,” a sentimental nod to our time in the Navy.  Swallows are symbolic for guiding each sailor’s voyage and bringing them home.  Before she was born, my husband & I constantly debated on this name.  We just couldn’t agree.  As first-time parents, we couldn’t agree on many things.  Once we laid eyes on her though, the debate died along with our child.  It was clear who she was.  Ava.  I wish I heard her beautiful name spoken more.

She was our first child and so badly, badly longed for.  After trying to conceive for a handful of years, she entered our lives that May just as quickly and unexpectedly as she left.  Even in those sweet, early days of my pregnancy, I felt I knew the little life I was carrying inside of me.  I was carrying a girl—a darling, feminine girl with dark wavy hair.  She’d love ribbons and bows, wear pink tutus, and dance ballet.  She was constantly in my thoughts, and on the way to work, I’d listen to lullabies or sing to her.  In the evenings, I’d read her, Guess How Much I Love You.  My evenings and weekends were filled with prenatal yoga and building our registry.  My bookcase was lined with the latest in parent books.  I was five months pregnant, hopeful for our future together and very much looking forward to being her mother. 

I was a week away from a routine ultrasound appointment and so excited to see her face for the first
time, anxious to point out whose features were whose.  And then, it happened.  For reasons unknown, I awoke one morning to blood-soaked sheets.  My amniotic sac had ruptured.  I rushed to the hospital
and was met in the ER; there was nothing they could do to save her life.  I was in early labor, and
because she was a few weeks too premature to live outside of my womb, she wouldn’t survive.  I was
giving birth to say goodbye. 

Laying on the hospital bed and between contractions, I would whisper to her, “I love you.  I am sorry.  I am so, so sorry.  Be strong.”  What lead to this?  I dissected my pregnancy over and over.  I prayed for the first time in years, asking God for whatever pain she was feeling, to let it pass quickly.  She was born on August 23, 2010 at 8:13 p.m., tiny, wiggly, and pink.  I recognized my chin, my eyebrows, and her daddy’s feet.  She lived for a very short time, struggling to breathe through her underdeveloped lungs before passing in our arms.  After having such dry weather the entire summer, it stormed that evening.  It felt like the sky was despairing with me. 

I don’t remember much about the months that followed.  I do know that I felt broken.  Lost. Responsible for her death.  Suicidal at times.  I was a mother with no baby to show for it.  My work gave me 6 weeks of paid maternity leave, and I slept much of the day while laying awake at night.  Dressing was too much work.  Eating was too much work.  Living was too much work.  Concerned, friends and family would call or stop by for small talk.  They didn’t want to upset me, so awkwardly they would avoid her name or any conversation of Ava.  I just wanted to die alongside my daughter.   

Then came the months of November and December, which brought another dimension of grief.  There were so many unintended reminders of how she was missing from our lives that holiday season, the time of year that I once most loved.  We’d never see the excitement for Christmas through her little eyes, and knowing this made my heart and arms ache even more.  We received cards in the mail and invites to parties, and although grateful to be thought of, I couldn’t gather the strength to feign joy or even respond.  Ava’s name wasn’t on them.  I knew everyone remembered her, but for how long?  My worst fear was that her name would be forgotten.  I’d wake in the morning, cry on the drive to work, glue myself together, cry on the drive home, and then go to bed.  I stayed in our bedroom most of Christmas Day. 

I managed that winter, and the four that came afterwards, the best I could.  Ava now has two healthy
siblings who know her name and sometimes ask about her.  A handful of family members also speak of her, acknowledging her birthday and on holidays, or sometimes just because.   My heart bursts with gratitude each time.  One of my worst fears continues to be that she’ll be forgotten, the only record of her short life being the marker that sits atop her grave—which is why I write this. 

Sweet Ava, your story is now memorialized in written word, just as it is engraved in your daddy’s heart and in mine.  You were here.  You are remembered.  You are missed.  Love you to the moon and back, baby girl.

When Sister Meets Sibling (Guest post from That Mama Gretchen)

It's no secret around here how much I adore Gretchen from That Mama Gretchen. We've been friends for gosh, over 10 years, and our journeys in motherhood have brought us close together. Thank you, G, for such inspiring words and I can't wait for our littles to grow up together and become best buds!

~Bianca

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There's another sweet pierogie in the Northwest and I couldn't be happier for Bianca and her brand new family of four ... WELCOME MISS RUBY! While The Pierogie Mama snuggles up her two little ones, I'm excited to pop over from my blog, That Mama Gretchen, and share about my own transition from one to two children.

Bianca and I have had stairs step pregnancies - my Jemma was born in 2010, Penny came in 2012, my Max arrived in 2012 and now Ruby in 2014. So, needless to say, much of our talk has been focused on motherhood. A far cry from our high school conversations! Yep, we've been friends for a long time! From birth stories to breastfeeding tips, we've talked about it all, but one thing we've only lightly touched on is the transition our eldest daughters make when becoming siblings for the first time.

With my second pregnancy I had a handful of worries, one of the biggest being how I would adapt to loving two children and how Jemma would welcome (or not welcome) a baby. She was only 22 months when her brother was born so although we talked and read about new babies often, she didn't seem to fully grasp that mama's growing bump would soon rock her world. Thankfully, she transitioned well.

To help us both, I made sure to give her one on one time each day, even if only for 10 or 15 minutes. For those moments, she had my undivided attention. I encouraged her to be mama's helper and brother's protector and over the last 18 months, she has fully owned these roles. I let her be a baby too. When she starts to get that whiny tone (you know, that one) or is acting out of sorts I do my best to pull her tight and cradle her in my arms. I remind her that she is my sweet baby even though she is growing up. I tell her I am so proud of the choices she makes and the help she gives me. I asked for help from Daddy, grandparents and aunts, and yes, I know it's hard to ask for help, to help me balance caring for two children.

No doubt, going from one on one to being outnumbered is hard. I have shed tears, felt overwhelmed, used harsh words and collapsed at the end of the day with pure exhaustion. But over the last 18 months our daily trio has become the most wonderful thing. All the ups and downs, the "getting into a routine" and forging strong relationships have paid off. So much so that I find myself thinking, "What would it be like with three little ones ...". It's a fleeting thought for now, but life with two has become normal. Dare I say, occasionally easy. So of course I'd go hunting for the next challenge. The three of us have found a beautiful groove where our days are filled with lots of laughter and hugs. Ok, ok ... Max attempts to bite sometimes too, but we're working on that :) Best of all, by far my favorite thing is the relationship between my children. It's priceless. Seeing them together makes all the hard work of mothering two absolutely worth it.

So, my advice to Bianca and other mama's expecting their second - the early months are difficult, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let yourself own survival mode. Feed your little ones, keep them safe and don't feel guilty when the toddler watches a few movies. It's just a season. Order take-out, don't stress about the cleanliness of your home, pause your Pinterest projects and just be with your kids as you all transition into a new life together. It takes time, but I've witnessed the bond that grows between siblings early on and there is nothing better. I can't wait for the years to come as Jemma and Max grow up together and I know a priceless bond will be solidified between Penny and Ruby too. Congratulations, my friend, you've given your children one of the greatest gifts they could ever receive - the love and partnership only a sibling can bring.

See more of my munchkins over on Instagram! That's where I capture the majority of their sweet and crazy moments :)

THAT MAMA GRETCHEN

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Moms Who Inspire Me: Bernadet

Welcome to the grand finale of my 3 part series on Moms Who Inspire Me.  If you missed out, here's Gretchen and Ashley.

Bernadet is definitely an inspirational mama to me... because she is my very own! She immigrated from Poland to Canada barely knowing the language in her early 20's. One of the easiest way to describe my mom is by her hospitality. Meals were always created with love and are plentiful. Her home is always open to those who enter and she goes out of her way to make sure everyone is comfortable before she rests. She's been the mama I can snuggle to, even though I've become a mama myself, and makes it a point to keep up with her kids' lives even though we've all grown up and left the nest. Leaving her family behind, she took on the matriarchal role early on and has instilled the great importance of family throughout my life. Even though we're a loud, boisterous and often very blunt family, we can always put our differences aside and have a meal together. That's what family means to me. I love you, Mom!

At what age did you become a mama? 

How was that in relation to when you thought you'd become a mama?

I always wanted to be a mom before age 25 and it happened a little bit before 25

Growing up, what was the part about becoming a parent the most exciting for you? 

Has it changed? 

I think the most exciting thing for me becoming a parent is to have somebody who is part of me and to be able to teach them what I  know about life.

What has surprised you the most about being a mother?

The most surprising thing for me about being a mom was and still is how much I love them, how I can divide my love between one and the other,  and that you can raise children the same way but they have their own minds and they going to react totally differently.

Who was your biggest help? How did they help you?

The biggest help I had was my mom whom I called almost everyday for advice the first year and my grandmother when she came and stay with us for almost a year when you were little.

What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood (easy question, right?) 

and how have you tried to overcome it?

I think the biggest challenge for me is to understand that I can only help and teach them to a point and then they have to experience life. Even though I still want to be the helicopter mom!  I try to overcome that by really listening advising, observing, showing and understanding that they will do what they want to do.

Name your top soothing tip

The best soothing thinkgfor you was to walk with you and rub your back and for your brother Paul was to hold him and rub his forehead over his nose.

What is your kids' favorite meal that you cook?

When you guys were little your favorite thing to eat was noodles with strawberry or blueberry with whipped cream, or Polish kopytka with goulash.

Did you become your mother, take a completely new road or find a clever mix in between?

I don't think so. There are things that I did the same way, but for most of it I did it my way.

Did you have a parenting style that was different from the rest of your family (such as sleep solutions, babywearing, potty training timing) and how did you respond to family who approached you about it?

I don't know much about my parents parenting style when we were little.  One thing I definitely learned that I didn't like when I was a child was to correct  your children in front of other people. And to tell you the truth my parents didn't really have much input in my parenting style because I was way too far from them.

And there you have it.. The original Pierogie Mama (now known as The Pierogie Babcia) 

with my chubby self at about a year old. 

Moms Who Inspire Me: Ashley

Welcome to the second part of my three part series on Moms Who Inspire Me (Gretchen was Part I). Today I want to introduce my dear friend, Ashley. I was introduced to Ashley and her hubs through my boyfriend-at-the-time (who now happens to be my husband!). They all went to high school together and have stayed close friends since. Ashley has been a model to whom I look up to as a wife, mother and friend. Seriously, she is the sweetest and most loyal friend a girl can have. She always knows the right things to say (especially when a certain mama calls her in tears a few days after her baby was born, completely bawling because she inadvertently allowed her daughter to develop her first diaper rash!). Ashley's gentle mothering, courage as a police officer's wife and solid faith have quietly guided me through many of my own insecure moments. She is mama to Santiago and Amilia, two kids whom I hold close to me like my very own nephew and niece.

At what age did you become a mama? 

How was that in relation to when you thought you'd become a mama?

   I was Blessed to become a Mommie at age 25. Growing up I was never the kind of girl to plan/dream about my wedding, house, kids, or live on a timeline.  But 25 seemed like a great age, I made it past my mom's age of 22 with her first child. She always told me how young she was.

Growing up, what was the part about becoming a parent the most exciting for you? 

Has it changed?

Kinda silly to say but I was really excited to dress them (much be the beautician in me). But on a serious note, I feel growing up I was most excited about the toddler and early childhood years. The years when kids can actually tell you what they need. Now that I no longer have a child in baby years I wish I could go back and enjoy it more!

What has surprised you the most about being a mother?

The biggest surprise was that to be a Mommie/Parent is a learning and a confidence building process. When I brought my (now 4 year old)  colicky son home I felt like I had no I had no idea how to soothe him, making our bonding a bumpy road. This instantly made me wish I would have grown up with younger sibling or had babysat more. For some reason I thought once you had a child you instantly knew how to raise them with confidence.  Maybe it is because of all the technology and easy information I have learned there are SO many ways to raise a healthy loved child.  I just have to be confident in my Love for them and they will grow with big hearts and Faith. I will 100% admit it took me a few years to 'come in-to' my role and realization that my Husband and I have complete power in how our babies view this world. The best Gift ever!

Who was your biggest help? How did they help you?

My BIGGEST help has been and continues to be my wonderful Husband. He is great a cook and doesn't mind cleaning, but the best way he helps me is emotionally. He is always  there for a hug or as easy wise wisdom when I overstress. He has been my best friend since high school and has grown into a great playful Father! I really don't know how I could parent without him!

What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood (easy question, right?) 

and how have you tried to overcome it?

My biggest challenge of Motherhood so far has been the struggle in my mind if I am doing everything the best I can.  I struggle with owning two small businesses, being a wive of a police officer, and trying to be the best Mommie I can; making sure I give attention to each avenue.  I try to keep my priorities clear and I am constantly reminded how fast these babies grow (especially when Santiago gets dressed and his pants are all a sudden too short).  Disciplining is a huge challenge for me....sometimes I just cry right along with them, even though I know I am teaching them limits and rules. Oh..and one last one...Santi went though the stubborn eating phase! NOT FUN! but we had to be strong and not give into his refusal.  If he is hungry he will eat!

Name your top soothing tip

Definitely the "Ssshhhhhhing" loudly and swaddling tightly as a baby. Now with a toddler and 4 year old child I find giant hugs and goofy kisses help! (cuz most the time they are over-exaggerating their problem) Both my babes have their favorite blankies as well :)

What is your kids' favorite meal that you cook?

Amilia (2 years) will eat pretty much anything especially the sweet stuff! Santiago (4 years) favorite food changes with the wind.  Some days its breaded chicken, some days pizza, and some days carrots! Pancakes seem to be everyone's favorite!

Did you become your mother, take a completely new road or find a clever mix in between?

I think so far I have become my mother.  I remember her being crafty, attentive, and loving.  I think I am more adventurous than she was taking the kids to new places, but I think that is just a change in times. Someday as a mother of teens I hope I take a different road than she did.

Did you have a parenting style that was different from the rest of your family (such as sleep solutions, babywearing, potty training timing) and how did you respond to family who approached you about it?

I do not have a large family, our children are the only grand-babies.  So any input I get is generally very delicately given from my M.I.L or my Mom.  My M.I.L's constantly reminding me to just relax, kids will be kids. My Mom speaks of her memories, like letting me sleep under the kitchen table or my sassiness as a kid. I kinda wish I had some more free advice, suppose I could ask.

Isn't her family gorgeous?  She is also the creative mama behind Santi Mae Designs, where she makes beautiful comforting blankies and stuffed birds that focus on the sensory experience. Penny proudly snuggles with her blankie for naptimes and has a Buho and Lovebird to match. Check out her work!

Moms Who Inspire Me: Gretchen

Welcome to the start of a 3 part series where I host an interview with 3 mamas in my life who have greatly influenced me.  Today I'm sharing my interview with Gretchen, from That Mama Gretchen.

Gretchen and I met back in high school, where we were baristas at the local coffee shop. We parted ways for college but stayed in touch through Facebook and were guests at each other's weddings. Eventually I moved down to the Portland area where she lived after graduating college with her hubby. I began to follow her blog as she documented her journey with her first daughter, Jemma. I can easily say that I call Gretchen my "Fairy Blogmother," as she's always written thought provoking posts and been a great resource in my journey of natural and attachment parenting. Over the years we've hooked up for coffee dates and now we have play dates - as her eldest, Jemma (2 1/2), Penny (almost 1 1/2) and her son Max (will be 1 in August- oh my!) get along great. Read on and you'll see why I can call on this mama for advice of all kinds.

At what age did you become a mama? 

How was that in relation to when you thought you'd become a mama? 

My first, Jemma, was born just 3 days before my 24th birthday. I always wanted to be a "young" mama - 24 fit the bill nicely. Especially since the hubs and I had finished school and been married for 3 years.

Growing up, what was the part about becoming a parent the most exciting for you? 

Has it changed?  

Honestly, I was obsessed with playing school with my two sisters when I was young (I'm the oldest). I imagined being a mom would be very similar - a never ending day of crafts, field trips and fun projects. Real motherhood hasn't turned out quite like that. There's a lot more laundry, cooking, diapers and managing sibling squabbles. At least now. I think we'll get into the field trip phase here in the next few years :) It has definitely changed from what I imagined, but I wouldn't change it. I keep hearing the phrase, "The days are long, but the years are short." and I couldn't agree more. I'm savoring my nursing relationship with Max and learning how to best help Jemma explore the world of "I do it!". I can't get enough of Max's rolls and belly laughs and Jemma, my little chatter box, has been saying some of the greatest things lately - her imagination is going wild. When I tuck them in at night I can't wait for another day (well, after I clock in my few hours of work and rest). These days are so fun and so exhausting! I want them to slow down so I can enjoy them more while speeding up so we can do new and different adventures.

What has surprised you the most about being a mother? 

 How difficult it is. Being a mom is the hardest job out there. It's super rewarding too - I mean, Max doesn't look at anyone else the way he looks at me and when Jemma says, "I love you, Mommy" I turn into a complete puddle of feel good emotions. Same when she asks me to "swuggin" (snuggle) her. But it is hard. There's no getting around that. Every day it's two against one. It's not easy to balance making them my priority while keeping the house up. It is also hard to shower when the curtain keeps flying open by the hand of one child or the other. I'm also kind of tired of sharing my fork during every meal :)

On a sentimental note, I'm constantly amazed that someone so precious and beautiful and so their own person could have come from inside of me. That leaves me completely dumbfounded and in awe of what God creates through us. I mean ... WOW!

Who was your biggest help? How did they help you?  

My mom and my two sisters are definitely my Mama Tribe. Without them I would be much less sane and my kiddos would definitely have less fun.

What has been the biggest challenge of motherhood (easy question, right?) 

and how have you tried to overcome it?

My biggest and current challenge has been how to stay my own person. I spend so many hours with my little ones that sometimes I don't remember or have energy to invest in myself - reading, long baths and the like. My midwife always reminded me that it's super important for mamas to take care of themselves because a well-cared for mama allows her to better care for her family. It's such a balancing act and something I'm working to improve upon.
                                                      

Name your top soothing tip.

Nothing soothes Max better than a nursing snuggle. When Jemma needs to be soothed we face each other and hold hands while I calming talk to her and ask her to breathe deep with me. Then we hug and kiss and everything looks brighter.

What is your kids' favorite meal that you cook?  

Max loves all veggies, so anything steamed or roasted makes him happy. He currently loves risotto or quinoa tossed with rotisserie chicken, veggies, Parmesan and this seasoning from Wildtree. It's one of my favorites too so I'm happy to share! Jemma, the sweet girl, has become much harder to please. She consistently loves buttermilk pancakes and our homemade breakfast sandwiches as well as anything served with a side of ketchup. Two year olds are sure nifty!

Did you become your mother, take a completely new road or find a clever mix in between?  

I'm very much like my mom ... at least it is my goal to be. In my mind, she is the ultimate mom ... inspiring me in so many ways as a woman, wife and mom. We do a few things differently, but I always chat with her about my decisions. She is a fabulous sounding board and always brings a dose of wisdom to our conversations.

Did you have a parenting style that was different from the rest of your family (such as baby led weaning, babywearing, potty training timing) and how did you respond to family who approached you about it?

My parents embraced elements of attachment/natural parenting when I was growing up - before having a specific "parenting style" was something you claimed. My mom remembers sewing her own carrier back in the 80s - we've been searching for a photo! I actually feel like my parents were/are great examples of free-range parenting ... something I know I struggle with. Some extended family members have explored other methods of parenting. We're all pretty open in our decisions/discussions and I think we've learned a lot from one another. In the end we're all parenting as best we can with the information we have at present. Even if we don't do things exactly like each other I definitely feel supported. Especially when my brother-in-law jokes about eating the meals I prepare. You know, just in case I blend in some placenta for extra nutrients :) See? We have lots of fun chatting about our parenting styles.

See what I mean? Gretchen just tells it how it is, with grace and humility to boot :) Besides being a great parenting resource, this girl knows how to cook. I've been dreaming about that quinoa recipe! Thanks for sharing your heart, Gretchen, and for being a supportive friend!