Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Pierogie Babies - 29 weeks and a few worries

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized that I'm 29 weeks. Yikes. I guess I stopped keeping track somewhere and figured I was around 25. Those 4 weeks can really sneak up on ya!

Overall feeling great, this was the case with Penny's pregnancy as well. I'm eating well, have good energy most days and feeling tons of kicks, bubbles, hiccups and flips from little Ruby. She is definitely like her older sister as she's successfully lodged her butt into my right rib cage and is perfectly happy hanging out that way.

I've completed one of my biggest goals in preparing for her arrival - I can safely announce that we have a sufficient (well, more than sufficient!) cloth diaper stash for both girls. I started cloth diapering Penny when she was about 3 weeks old using a diaper service and this time around I wanted to have our own newborn stash as we do plan to have more children, should the Lord provide us with more. Black Friday and Cyber Monday were two shopping days that I was really trying to avoid getting into the hype over but I picked up about 14 diapers for a really good deal and along with a couple other projects in the works - we are good in the diaper department. That's a BIG check on my list.

Thinking ahead...eventually the girls will share a room and I wanted to take this time to begin crafting their special sister room - check out my work in progress Pinterest Sister Room Inspiration board. I've been keeping my eye out for a cheap, solid wood dresser that has 6-8 drawers that I can put both of the girls' clothes in and refurbish, kind of like how That Mama Gretchen took an upcycled dresser and did a fabulous Annie Sloan paint job. So I've been keeping my out on the good old List of Craig's and popping into our thrift store every other week or so.

A little doubt creeping in my mind has been the uncertainty of Ruby's birth. Penny's was so smooth (here's her birth story) and went exactly how we wanted it to go. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birth. I wish it would be easy enough to take this as a precedent for how my future births go, but of course that's not the case. Each birth, child and circumstances are different, and of course my body has changed. I feel really confident in knowing how to give birth and how to cope with the natural pains of giving birth, but big part of me wonders what is in store for us. What happens if Ruby isn't positioned as ideally as Penny was?  I need to put these doubts to rest and trust that everything will work out - because it will.

A couple weeks ago I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made. Our 13 year old dog, Romeo, was beginning to falter. His good days were being quickly overtaken by sore, tired days. It was getting harder and harder for him to get up and go outside, and the weekend before Thanksgiving he began to lose his continence. It's so sad that our lives are made so comfortable these days that our bodies will often hold out longer than they should - pets and people. We could have found a way to make it work. We could have let this go on, perhaps for months, like this. But we didn't want to remember him like that. Romeo, with the heart of pure gold and book mark in my life story, needed to rest, and his body wasn't going to let him anytime soon. So with a few nights of dedicated family time, we said our goodbyes to our sweet boy and let him go. xxoo


On to Miss Penny. Some cute things I want to be sure I remember..
  • her new favorite food and word is "meat," (for ham). She's now started referring to herself as "Meaty," as she hasn't called herself "Penny" yet.
  • she has a collection of stuffed frogs whom are called "Mama Buddy," "Daddy Buddy" and 2 "Bebe Buddy"s. It's too freaking adorable.
  • this girl has her ABCs down! She can recognize numbers 1-8 (not say all of them yet) and recognize an array of colors too.
  • sometimes in the middle of the night she wakes up, calls for one of us and just asks for a hug. Melts my heart.
  • Her new BFF is Squirt, whom she calls "Wurt." She's really taken a new interest in him over the last month. 
  • Every time she sees my growing belly she gently pats it and says "baby," and has been giving it kisses.
Normally I know that I am a very confident parent. I have very little 'second guesses' about if I feel like Adam and I have made the right choices and overall I just like to let things flow out of Penny as they naturally do. I let her do a lot of the leading in her development, which I have found to be extremely beneficial when we started night weaning while still bed-sharing, transitioned her to her own room, and eventually fully weaned last month (my thoughts on that to come). But there is something that has been burrowing in the corner of my mind and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

Penny loves her mama. She loves her daddy dearly. But she definitely prefers mama. Most days, I love it and find ways to still cook, clean, do my own little projects with her hanging on me like a baby koala. In September I started going to our local MOPS group and put Penny in the situation where she was left alone with a stranger while I took my mom-time. The weeks have been off and on with her tolerance level, but they always begin or end with tears. Sometimes tears in the middle, where mama comes to her rescue and brings her to our MOPS table where we keep her quiet and pacified with a snack.  I know it's a phase...but it really makes me worry about how she will react to having less mama time when Ruby comes. And what that means about limiting me in the things that I want to do in my free time away from the kids. I keep reminding myself that it's only a few years that the kids will want me like this. But there are those days where I don't feel like being 110% there for you mama and I want to do non-mama things. Like go have a coffee, or see a movie - obligation free. Not feeling like I owe someone for this great, simple gift of watching my child for me. Or simply feel ok in leaving my daughter in a room with other children to play. Fairly normal things in life that I haven't really done for the last almost 2 years. 

It's funny because most days I don't miss those things at all. I don't miss sleeping in (too much), I don't miss "getting" to sit at my desk at work, checking my emails with a cup of coffee and my dogs at my feet. Those days are over, I am completely content with that transition in my life. But in anticipation of bringing another child into my life and taking on the responsibility of also being 110% there for you mama - I wonder how I will fare with that. Will I still love being a stay at home mom with two little girls under two just as much as I did with one?

The day to day stuff is easy. I know I'll eventually figure out how to take my circus of a family to the grocery store and gracefully battle through toddler impatience and the difficulty of juggling an infant. It's those times when I want a time out that I wonder how I'll be able to do it, without abandoning my foundation as an attachment parent. Without resorting to 'well, just let her deal with it - she needs to grow up eventually. She can't have her mama all the time.' But the thing is... she can, and I want her to have me as much as she wants me. But where do I play in? Code Name: Mama wrote about the importance of doing things for yourself (and how it doesn't make you a bad AP parent) that I am trying to keep in my mind during this phase, as well as this well traveled post on how your two year old just needs you sometimes.

I'd love to hear some encouragement from mamas of littles 
who stay at home and have battled these same difficulties and guilts.


  1. two tips: baby wear, which im sure you will already plan to do, and let penny "help" as much as possible. my oldest loved "helping" by getting me a diaper, wipes, etc. even when i had some sitting next to me ;) i was also told to keep a little box of books handy to read to the "big" one while nursing the small, and i plan to try that as well!

    1. I've also heard about a 'busy' box that only comes out during nursing! We definitely plan to babywear (I mean, how else am I going to get things done?!).

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss! Losing a beloved family pet is one of the more difficult things to go through. On the brighter side, though, I'm impressed with people's ability to upcycle furniture, etc. Craftiness is awesome.

    1. Thank you, Suzi. He was a sweet old dog and I'm just thankful that his passing was quiet.

  3. This is such a sweet post, Bianca. I loved it. I LOVE that Penny asks for a hug in the middle of the night. That's the sweetest. I love that you are transitioning well into your new role as a mother :) It is such an exciting time - sisters are literally the best thing I've ever been able to witness. You will do great - even when it feels crappy as all get out - you will do great :)

    1. Thanks so much for the encouragement! I definitely never plan to be 'wonder mom' or anywhere near perfect but of course we always have such high standards for ourselves! I love having such a great community of moms to draw from for support.

  4. I remember when my boys were extremely fact, they didn't even like being left with a babysitter and our relatives live across the country. My husband and I had to come to terms with the fact that it would be a while before we could even go on a date together.

    It is difficult at this stage to keep sanity, but I tried reminding myself that it was just a phase, and someday I would even miss them wanting or needing me as much as they did in that moment.

  5. Well CONGRATS Mama, and yaaaaay for those sneaky 29 weeks ;)
    I just love this!!! Sister rooms, projects, cloth stashes, toddlers, newborns <3 <3 <3
    So sorry to hear about Romeo :( I know what it's like to have to choose better for a fur baby <3
    I am right there with you, as far as all of your worries and thoughts and I'm NOT anticipating the birth of another Little in the near future... I think its natural for our Mommy minds to wander. I do think about the future and IF I was to add another baby, how I'd manage, and to tell you the truth some days it scares me and other days I feel like I could be Super Woman! Although I'm not sure having a 13 YEAR OLD boy and a toddler is much different lol!
    I'd love to check out your night wean while bed sharing post too! I need all the help I can get, my LO is 12 months and I see no ends in sight (which I'm OK with, but when the time comes...)
    Overall, it sounds like you'll do great!!! Looking forward to following your journey! :)

  6. Penny is such a cutie!
    I have seven and grocery shopping can be difficult, but possible. I make sure to go with my husband because I need the help. We use two double strollers for the twins and the youngest two and an extra cart.
    My little ones prefer both of us to be there all the time, which of course is impossible. They've always been like that and like routine. They two youngest need their daddy time still every night, rocking and singing.

  7. It's always so hard to say goodbye to a family pet!



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